Last Monday I skipped school. The reason was because I was late for five minutes (which also meant: disaster's in the air), and I had been late for the last Friday, and my school is one of the best in town, so I'd need to save my face. Or so that's what I thought.
But you know, skipping school on a very important day (Monday, hello?) meant a lot of guilt. Those guilts like "oh god, there's gonna be an exam tomorrow and there is a prep class today" and "gosh, I'm gonna miss a very important laboratory work today" totally got me. And the thought of "what should I wrote on the paper to make sure my absence was clear and not of skipping school?" was excruciatingly painful to me.
One thing in my resolution (which had been in "copy-paste method" for years) was to never, ever, ever, EVER, lie to anyone, no exception to myself.
So I did something stupid. I said to myself to be sick for the day. I kept on saying those negative thoughts on my head through the day. What happened? Yes, I got a slight headache. But that's because on the whole day, I was lazily sleeping on bed.
And after thinking A LOT about it, I found out the stupid thing: I just lied to myself by trying to convince myself with the wrong fact which was for being sick. And so I did my best to feel sick. I prayed to get sick. And that was, obviously, stupid. And do you want to know the other word for that stupidity? That is... NEGATIVE THINKING.
Yes, negative thinking. Negative thinking is actually the point when you try to convince yourself with the lie you make up which is completely NEGATIVE than the right POSITIVE thing that is going to happen.
"But speaking about it making things work otherwise!"
Not at all. The truth is, even before you think and speak negative, it has been set that everything will be positive in their own ways. Whatever you are saying won't actually change the future. So, congratulation for lying to yourself.
"You don't know my condition! Looking at the present fact and condition, it will be NEGATIVE!"
Do you know the power of the words? What you say is going to be what you get. Seriously. I said I want to be sick. I got a slight headache because I had too much sleep. Do you know words will give reaction to your psychological feelings which will turn out into actions? If you think and say you can't do it, you lie. Your body react to the lie, so they make it seems as if things go worse. And then you fail. Voila! Another points for the lie you give to yourself. (And seriously, are you a psychic to know about the future?)
It might be:
I worry that this is going for the worse.
Are you seeing the worst? Are you looking for it? If you don't, don't worry about that.
I'm not good enough. (This is not the best.)
Oh really? Then what is your standard of "good"? Some people aren't even that lucky to be like you. And don't let people make your standard! You can be yourself. What matters is to be excellent, not the best. Do what you can the most, and it's cool enough.
I am going to be crazy! This is nuts!
No way you are crazy. If you are crazy, you are in the mental institution right now. Are you eating peanuts now? If no, then I don't think that is nuts.
What is it? A gunshot in the heart? I believe dying only happens to people who are, well, supposed to die. If you're not lying sick somewhere no, you're not going to die. What is too much? It's all in your head. Live. Life is too short to die now.
So from now on, whoever you are, whatever you are doing, no matter why you are reading this...
STOP.
STOP LYING TO YOURSELF.
STOP LYING TO YOURSELF.
***
P.S: So, tulisan ini sebenarnya cuma hasil "ngubek-ubek" notes dari jaman dulu di iPod, dan tulisan ini tertanggal 26 Januari 2013. Waktu itu, kalimat ini sempat jadi resolusi tahun baru. Pasalnya, dulu gue sendiri termasuk orang yang reaktif sama keadaan. Sekarang udah lebih kuat sih :) Salah satu resolusi yang bisa dibilang memiliki efek baik, ya ini.
Waktu itu tulisan ini mau dimasukkan ke fashion game website (jaelah malu-maluin), namun ternyata terlalu panjang jadi tersimpan aja di notes lamaaa sekali. Makanya bahasanya juga beda.
Terkadang waktu kita membohongi diri sendiri juga adalah dengan nggak mau mengakui kalau kita dalam keadaan terpuruk dan butuh bantuan. Like a saying "try and fail but don't fail to try", kita gagal waktu kita tidak mau mencoba untuk mencari cara agar keadaan membaik, malah menjatuhkan diri sendiri. Kita bisa berlari dari kenyataan, menjadi pesimis, bukannya mencoba cara lain. You fail when you fail to try.
Ngomong-ngomong, bagaimana dengan kalian? Masihkah berbohong ke diri sendiri?